The Humble Pie Awards

This week, a few of my lady friends are blogging on the same question:

What is the best advice you received but never thought you’d use?

Fun question. To me, these would be "Eat Your Words" moments. When you find yourself doing something you never thought you'd do. Classic example would be when you really actually truly turn into your mother/father. Or, when you hear advice over and over and tell yourself you'd never get into a situation that would require that advice (always wear nice, clean underwear because you never know who's going to see it), and then of course, you wish you would have taken that advice (you trip over your massive pile of laundry and the next thing you know you're in an ambulance wearing a bikini bottom as underwear).

Now, to be clear, I don't have regrets in my life. At least, I don't have regrets of anything I actually DID. I do regret that I did not have a DVR until last year. Regrets are more of "I wish I HAD" instead of "I wish I HADN'T".

I think these "Eat My Words" moments tend to be the most memorable, hilarious, craziest, saddest, poignant moments in life. Good and bad. Here are some highlights of those moments from my life. These are the times when I thought "Damn, I wish I would have just listened to Aunt Nancy" or "I never thought I'd hear those words come out of my mouth." But I do not wish for a second that they did not happen.

I present to you, The Humble Pie Awards.

Category:  College

Winner:  "Know your alcoholic cut-off point, and have a friend that will absolutely cut you off before you get to that point."

Maybe I just have shitty friends (or HILARIOUS friends), but I am pretty sure that they all conspired to get me past my cut-off point as soon as possible. Many people simply pass out when they reach their cut-off point. This would be very helpful. It is hard to drunk-dial or accidentally pee in your suitcase if you are face-down on the bathroom floor of that guy you met in Understanding Music Class. I do not pass out when I hit my cut-off point. No. I hit that point, and then my brain mistakenly thinks that I have superhuman physical abilities as well as really, really interesting things to say. Plus, fictional words are real, and I know how to get everyone there. But, of course this is not the case, and my friends enjoy watching the HOURS of hilarity ensue. I have no recollection of these hours of craziness. Absolutely none. I only have photographic proof and the insane stories of what I did while I was "blacked out".

On one such occasion, I pretended to be passed out so that my friends would put me in a bedroom to sleep. But I was not passed out; it was all part of my scheme to get to a magical land. I was convinced that the closet of this bedroom was the passage to Bag End (of hobbit fame) and I really wanted to visit. So once I was left alone, I ransacked the closet and tried to break down the wall to get to Frodo. My fingernails were bloody by the time they found me. When asked what the hell I was doing, I responded simply "I'm trying to get us to Bag End." I was really into Lord of the Rings then.

Apparently, I have a thing against closets when I'm really drunk. While in Italy, after a night of drinking, everyone retired to their bedrooms to sleep. We woke up to this:

That's the content of my entire closet, and AN ENTIRE CLOSET DOOR, next to my bed. And a broken lamp. Also, every window of the room was open (no screens in Italy), and the desk was moved across the room, as if I had tried to climb on it to jump out of the open window. Good thing I am not actually physically gifted, so I couldn't get up there. I'm really glad I was able to keep my shoes together though.

Now that I actually have a child entrusted to my care, I have instructed anyone that drinks with me to CUT ME THE F*CK OFF! My college self wouldn't believe it. (My college self would also have a sad about the state of my boobs right now, too.)

Category:  Wedding Planning and Weddings

Winner:  "On your wedding day, don't have more than one drink. You want to remember your day!"

Considering what happens when I have one-too-many drinks, you'd think I'd be all about layin off the booze on my wedding. You'd be wrong. But I DO wish that maybe I hadn't tried to counteract the effects of the alcohol by drinking an inordinate amount of water...and then danced for 4 hours like a crazed maniac. Upon arrival of our hotel room after our reception, I locked myself in the bathroom, stripped down naked, then peed and VOMITTED (at the same time) for 5 minutes straight. And my husband still wanted to have sex with me. Is this a sign of how much he loves me, or how drunk he was?

He must have been drunk, because THAT^  is not attractive.

I think this advice should be amended to mean ANY beverage. It was the damn water that did me in.

Category:  Love and Relationships (Drama)

Winner:  "Don't go to bed angry"

I'm only putting this in here because it is poop advice. You can't fight very well if you are sleeping, and it's also hard to fight if you are well-rested and don't want someone else to smell your morning breath. I say, go to bed angry and wake up ready to fight fair. After you brush your teeth.

So, I'm daring the Universe to make me eat my words on this.

Category:  Love and Relationships (Comedy)

Winner:  "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." -Henry Youngman

When I first met my husband, we were inseparable. We spent most mornings curled up in my bed in my dorm room, eating Egg McMuffins and listening to the same CD on repeat, because we were too lazy to get up. And then, 8 years happened. Now, if we are together for that long we tend to fight about ridiculous things (you put my socks in THAT DRAWER?!?!) and it doesn't end well. Going out alone, me on dates with my girlfriends, him to play poker...this is the key to a successful marriage, I think. Mostly because the sex later that night when we regroup in the bedroom tends to be hotter if I get hit on by a guy at the bar and get to say "I'm married". Sssshhh, that's not weird.

And another thing. I do have to eat my words regarding Egg McMuffins. I used to think they were the best muffin. This is CLEARLY not the case. Sausage McMuffin with Egg is surely the best in the McMuffin family of muffins.

Category:  Pregnancy and Parenting (Drama)

Winner:  How to deal with a premature baby.

While I was pregnant with Finn, I read this column:

http://alphamom.com/your-life/postpartum/the-nicu-you-when-you-go-home-before-your-baby/

I was not afraid of labor. I deal with pain pretty well. Women give birth all the time. No big deal.  I never really paid attention to the stories of NICU's and breathing problems and weight gain problems. That stuff would never happen to me. And then...Finn happened. After he was born, I thought there was no way I'd be able to get through it all without being checked into the hospital myself.

But I did it. Well, WE did it. And it was so much worse, and so much more amazing, than I could have ever expected. I wish that all the advice dealing with babies in the hospitals did not have a reason to exist.

Cutest NICU graduate ever.

Category:  Pregnancy and Parenting (Comedy)

Winner:  Help your child gain weight by giving him fatty foods. Lots and lots of fatty foods.

Here are some words that have never been associated with me or my husband: Svelte. Willowy. Lean. We are more likely to be described as "curvy" or "cuddly". Our child, though, is tall and skinny. I was all ready to be a crazy healthnut mom, and then I got orders to fatten him up! I don't know if I've ever been more prepared for a mission in my life. When we feed him vegetables, we get to cover them in butter and oil first. We get to buy whole milk, and whole yogurt, and whole EVERYTHING. Anything can be made better by adding cheese. Dipping sauce add calories - and that's a good thing. Bacon is approximate 2/3 fat? BRING IT.

It seems fitting to end this post on bacon, because my key advice to everyone is always to eat more bacon. Be sure to also check out everyone else's advice on the blog hop.