A new ride is coming to Cedar Point. A new ride that makes me want to poo in my pants, even thinking about it. Thing is unnatural. A spinning swing of terror, hundreds of feet in the air. There is not enough scream in my lungs for this.
Now, Cedar Point and I go way back. We are good friends. I am a roller coaster enthusiast. On my childhood bedroom wall, along with posters of Jonathon Taylor Thomas and Jordan Knight, were photos of me on my favorite roller coasters. But this is no roller coaster. This "amusement" should not be trusted.
I have this irrational fear. I hate the feeling of having nothing underneath me. (I would love the feeling of having Jon Hamm underneath me.) Driving over bridges? Not without mild hyperventilation. Climbing on the monkey bars on the playground? No thanks. Balance beam in gymnastics? I blamed my lack of coordination for failing at that, but really I was afraid because THERE WAS ONLY AIR UNDER THERE AAAAAAAHHH!
I like to think I am a fairly rational person. And I am not really afraid of much else. Really, I do understand that these structures are engineered to stand up and it's ME with the problem. So I deal with it. I drive over bridges and I will play on the playground with my son, and everything will be OK. But there is one thing that I truly think is the most evil, horrifying invention that has ever been on this earth: the ski lift.
torture machine
In the ski lift I do not trust! Have you ever looked at how the ski lift is connected to the wire?!?!?! Don't. Don't look. If you look, you might pass out of fear, and then you will fall out of the ski lift because you are only "secured" to your seat a bar that stays down by GRAVITY ALONE...and you will splat and DIE on the ground below you.
A few years ago, I went to Kennywood amusement park with friends. I was so excited to finally experience all of the historic rides. And also, funnel cakes. Imagine my horror when I realized that to even enter the park, we had to ride down a mountain on a ski lift. I cried. And I think my fear was transmitted to my friends, because even they seemed a little nervous as we made our descent.
The scariest thing at an amusement park should be the amount of calories in your snacks.
I think the people at Kennywood know that this is the most terrifying ride at their park, because I spotted little things told me that they tried to make it even more frightening than it already is. Beneath the path of ski lift are just a few things that insure you will be killed, or at least gravely injured, should you fall out. A few roads pass underneath, with cars travelling at high speeds. There are piles of construction materials with many jagged edges; bricks, concrete blocks, broken I-beams, sheet metal. I can't be certain, but I am pretty certain I saw a few crocodiles, and red hot lava. Maybe some quicksand, I don't know.
Point being: Cedar Point already has a ski lift. And the "normal" swings that you can find at fairs and carnivals. They already have the terror covered. This new swing is just a slap in the face to someone like me. But when I go to Cedar Point this summer, I think I will eventually conquer this new ride, because I am a rational person. But you will NEVER get me on the ski lift.
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